Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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