i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
