The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my phone needs a breathalizer
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
