Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
