Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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