the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
