explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
