so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
