My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
