rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize