I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Randomize
