Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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