Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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