And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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