She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
