I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
