My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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