first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
