I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
