You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
