Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
