Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
