the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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