Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
