TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
