We need to start having sex underwater more often.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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