i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
