textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
