When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
