what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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