dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
