Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
When are your genitals available?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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