I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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