Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
