Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
