Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
