meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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