You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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