Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize