It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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