He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it penis luge time yet?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
