the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize