hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
