hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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