I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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