3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
