So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
