Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
