I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
