If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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