I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
