On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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