Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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