pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
