In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
