Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My breasts were aching with rage.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
