I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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