how can u be prego again
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
