Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The Olympian is in my bed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
