you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
