You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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