so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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