My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
