forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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